Matt’s Memory
When I first heard, I was upset, and then I was filled with an intense need, an eagerness to laugh, and smile, to be happy. And I was very troubled by this. Was I handling this too well? And then I think of the memories we share, how often we roared with laughter as Matt told us stories. No, there is nothing wrong with remembering Matt with a smile.
Mathew and I were not always close. When we were young he loved to tease and taunt me. But even then he helped me. He often found great books to read, he had the best ideas about what to do for fun. Over time we became friends, and instead of asking him if I could come he would invite me. He became the generous person we all remember. He shared his stories, his sense of humor, later his home. Many of you are now my friends because Mathew invited me to meet you. And you all helped us to become friends, as well as brothers.
I’m glad to say that over the last few months Matt and I became closer. He began to talk about questions he was wrestling with, asking for advice, asking about my stories. He wanted to read some of them, and that meant a great deal to me. I suggested Brother’s Keeper. It’s a true story of how he took me out to try alcohol for the first time. He was generous, looking out for me, and when a waitress made fun of me for the drinks I chose, he told her exactly what I wanted to say in that moment. I told him how much that night meant to me. How he looked out for me, and how I could see his dedication to making sure I was having fun.
I hold onto those memories; the sound of his voice, the boisterous way he told stories that made us laugh so hard. I choose, I choose with all my heart, to hold onto them. In the midst of so much change I cling to familiar things. Standing by the ocean, I hear the birds call, and the waves roll, and I realize, when I think of Matt I think in the future tense. I will remember what he was, what he would have been, and what he will continue to be. He will always be my brother, and he will always be a part of me.
I choose to believe that he is being healed, made whole, continuing the journey we all saw him begin here, to become the person he was
always meant to be.
